possible trigger not sure...better safe than sorry!

I have suffered from depression from young adolescent to the present, so a good 10 years my depression used to be focused around anger, I would cry and get angry and write my songs, but lately...I feel so empty, I force my smiles, and put on the outside world face, but inside I feel so numb to everything, I feel so mad at the world but so demotivated, I find it hard to get out of bed, I used to get excited to be back at college learning again a second chance in life, now I couldnt give a sh** if I fail or pass.

I find myself even avoiding my online friends, the ones that have supported me so much, I feel like a stranger to them, and even though I am....I feel as though I dont even know them, and I feel bad because one of them is still in school and getting bullied and ive been giving him support..but I cant even face him...i should be helping him you know the "learn from my experince" but I cant right now..i cant even tell him I cant right now....my real life friends, they are trying, bless them....but I just cant be a real person.

im not a real person , but when I feel something, anything I cant leave that feeling, I need to keep that feeling.

a T of the past said that I am litrally a ticking time bomb, if I dont start dealing with my issues, then one day im just gonna go 'pop' as she so elegantly put it.... but I dont know how to deal...how am I supposed to deal with something...that I cannot see or feel?

its gotten worse since I stopped drinking, for a good 2 years, I was never really sober, I would wake up in the morning and start drinking, untill the early hours of the next morning, until one day I just couldnt be bothered and I just stopped that was it, now I dont drink at all, no interest in it at all.

but it seems that the alcohol was covering up alot of raw emotions, and I just dont understand how to help myself..whether its too late to help myself?

is this my life now?, just sitting in the darkened corners of my mind, watching my robot self serve societys given tasks and not really living the life I was given...im ashamed of myself, I have failed myself...no one else, just myself