confused43 im not one for long replys so here goes.
i too REALLY know how you are feeling as i feel lIke this nearly every day, i have had to fight to get this far .
YOU CAN DO IT, the people here on this site have helped me fight my feelings of si. (like you i have tried twice )
meds do help and talking to people can help

my best advice is .... HANG IN THERE, IT WILL GET BETTER ......