Goodness - didn't realize I had written a book! I'm going to try to condense it some...For full detail, read the first post.
Bottom line is that I'm not sexually attracted to husband anymore... but I do want to have sex.

Hubby is my one and only sex partner, and not until I was 25.

Grew up very smart, shy and insecure - so still incredibly naive in college. Skittish around guys from low self-esteem.

Finally grew into myself with semester abroad, then starting professional career. But still hadn't 'dated'.

Met hubby and he was 'safe' - still dating his college love - his only experience (and hers) - so I was comfortable around him since I wasn't worried about him liking me 'that way'. We became friends, they broke up, so we dated.

We had similar upbringings, values, and he did not intimidate me at all - I didn't have to worry about him pushing me or pressuring me, and we eventually did have sex, then married.

Not a lot of sex in marriage - long periods of no sex due to pregnancies, recovery, busy life, etc. Usually had trouble getting aroused, but thought that was how it was for everybody.

Then lost my job, started anti-depressants, and lost touch as a couple. We started living like roommates. I tried to highlight it as a problem, but didn't get sense that hubby saw it as an issue. We had hadn't had sex in a year or longer.

I started playing a game online and connected with other people. Also started a medicine for ADD, which said 'decrease sex drive' but actually put it in overdrive. Talked with one guy offline for fantasy sex - his term - and realized that I'd get more wet from a steamy text from a stranger than I ever had with hubby.

I chatted with a different guy, and he boosted my self-esteem and helped me see myself as sexy, and he challenged me to step outside my comfort zone - all very positive things.

Then hubby finds out, and suddenly I mean the world to him... We have 'let's work on this' sex, and he thought it rocked the world...and I was unmoved. Then I couldn't even kiss him - hug okay, but nothing more - it was almost repulsive. I called a halt to physical until we could reestablish an emotional connection... And other aspects have improved.

But after a lot of soul searching, I think I married him because he DIDN'T arouse strong emotion in me - I'd never feel out of control. But now I want that...and it's not him.

He's a wonderful person and father - a great companion... But I don't want to have sex with him. I still keep in contact with one guy from the game - and I feel attracted there... So it's not that I'm lacking a sex drive... I feel like I just want to have sex with someone who knows what they are doing, just so I KNOW... and then maybe that could be brought back into marriage? I don't want to hurt hubby's feelings more than I already have...