I'm 110% ADD and always have been BUT, I suppose, also compulsive-obsessive about a few things. I guess, because I've never felt really well, I've tried to keep a lot of things (lab reports, letters from doctors, appointment cards, etc.) BUT while my compulsive-obsessive side keeps all this stuff, my ADD side keeps it wildly disorganized!

Recently I got to thinking back over my medical/mental health background and my compulsive-obsessive side decided to actually buy some folders and make some kind of order out of my medical life through the years. I actually finished my project, which surprised the heck out of my ADD side!

I am 65 years old. The #1 fact that hit me like a ton of bricks as I was organizing my old medical records was that I have been going to doctors with symptoms of chronic depression for over 40 years. 40 years! I've been prescribed every antidepressant on earth, subjected to a variety of treatments, even been hospitalized - and I'm probably as depressed today as I've ever been.

There have been high highs when I seemed to feel relatively O.K. and function normally and just as many low lows when I wasn't sure I could survive another day, when my depression hurt so horribly that I didn't know what to do, when relief seemed nowhere to be found.

I wish I knew what causes such deep and profound depression. I'm not sure "chemical imbalance in the brain" is all there is to it but I have to believe somehow we generally try to make ourselves keep keeping on. When I got my papers all sorted, I found myself thinking back, remembering how brutal the suffering can be with depression and wondering how I endured so much of it...and how long before I feel that much pain again?

Depression strikes me as something nobody understands fully unless they've dealt with it personally. I don't have any answers but please know that I know where you're coming from and I hope things will improve.