Last week when I went into my therapy session and my T comfirmed that yes he believes that self-injury is an addiction, it felt like the last piece fell into place. I have been working so darn hard to get better and things just weren't working out when they should be. Being addicted to this and the chemicals it produces explains why I would cling to all those things that set me off. It explains why I would work myself up when part of me is asking "why are you getting so freaked out about this stuff." Granted there are some things that still trigger me but there are a lot of things that I could choose to get over if I really wanted too. Admitting that I didn't want to get better drove it home for me. I have to stop this habit if I am going to ever allow myself to get better.

Well, I made the commitment to stop. I decided that enough was enough and now is the time. The psychological response was immediate. I have been having nightmares every night since wednesday. Each night I have been getting progressively less sleep until finally night before last I was down to 3 1/2 hours. I wake up in the dark of night with my sexual addiction whipping through me--something I only had to deal with on occasion since I was a teenager--it is a craving that wraps around my insides and yanks on everything. It puts my SI desires to shame. Up until yesterday during the day I have been doing ok, for the most part despite being so tired but the nights are horrendous.

I can't deal with only 3 1/2 hours sleep. I just can't do it. I realized that I needed help and I needed it NOW. So I called my T to get his opinion. His first thought when I told him about the nightmares and such was that it was directly related to ending the SI behavior so abruptly but he didn't feel comfortable telling me to taper off it because of the nature of the illness. He pointed out that with other addiction there are substitutes to help the addict deal with the withdrawel like methadone and such. He asked if it was possible to use my husband to releave the sexual cravings but I had to explain to him it had nothing to do with desire but everything to do with pain and going back to the original rape. He agreed with me that it was just another form of self injury for me. Sigh. We decided that the best action right now was for me to call my Pdoc and get something to deal with the symptom of sleeplessness and go from there.

Unfortunately my Pdoc wasn't in the office yesterday so I had to struggle through last night on my own. I wish I could say that I stayed strong and held on to my committment but I was just too dang tired. I ended up scratching and sticking straight pins in my arm but it didn't seem to help all that much. On the other hand I did manage to get 6 hours sleep, in 2 hour blocks so I guess it did help a little.

I feel hope though. I believe if I hadn't of gotten so tired I just might have made it. I worked hard on making lists of things to do to keep me safe and it worked during the day very nicely. I came up with a list for the middle of the night but I need a small reading light so that I don't wake up my husband, though he did say that he wouldn't mind if I turned on the lamp. I also started working on writing down my main triggers and how to de-escalate from them. Right now I am waiting for my Pdoc to call me so that I can get set up with some sleeping concoction so I can defend against the nightmares.

I am concerned about the sexual addiction flare up. It scares me because it can ruin everything I have. I don't want to lose my husband, if I did I would die. I see my T in a week, I hope I don't make an *** out of myself. I have focused all my need toward him because I know he is safe. I can't turn it toward my husband because I would cast him in the role of rapist which would kill all that progress we have made toward intamacy. I don't even dare fantasize about anyone else because the fantasies turn into planning and I am quite capable of getting what I desire even though I know it would be the death of me. So I just have to trust that my T won't think me a total idiot if need leaks out in therapy and he has to rebuke me. I trust him. Well that is new, I really do believe that I trust him. Ha. Wow.
Carrie