I don't like to think of the possibility of being a lesbian at all so I don't try too hard to think about it. I don't know why... I just find it weird...

My friend brought up that she was bisexual yesterday and I got that feeling that I usually have been getting since I started doubting myself. I don't really get what the feeling is- it's like shock or anxiety, like getting punched in the stomach but without the physical pain. After someone mentions something about being gay I immediately can't smile. I have to force myself to laugh and act like normal but it's really hard to force a smile. I don't know why it bothers me so much. But I do want to be straight.

After my friend said she was Bi she went up to me and hugged me today before she left. She has hugged me before although I don't like being hugged at all. I've never found her attractive but now I'm thinking that maybe she really is cute. Now I'm worried.

There was a boy that I think I found attractive in my English class. But I was right there when he asked another girl if she had a boyfriend or liked anyone. So I was a bit disappointed about that. But I can't help but think that what if I was only notice that he was attractive but actually didn't like him?