Thank you costello,

I had my psychiatric evaluation today, it was humiliating. The woman doing the evaluation was totally professional, respectful, and nice. I was having an anxiety attack the whole time there and by the time I got into her office I couldn't stop shaking. She asked me about my childhood and I lost it, I completely broke down with no control.... I told her how my dad treated me like **** my whole life, like I was nothing, I lost it, I didn't even realize it but as she kept asking me questions I noticed a pattern thru out my life of never finishing things and not ever being able hold a job for more than 7 months to a year at the most. How I was failed in the 3rd grade, was expelled in the 7th grade for having a firearm, failed in the 10th, where I dropped out, went to vocational school and got kicked out. She seemed concerned and was supportive during my humiliating crying fit and the rest of the interview. She also mentioned that she had a good idea of what was wrong with me, then she started asking me if I hallucinated or heard noises, which I don't, I'm just sensitive to noises especially unexpected noises. It was over before I knew it and I left without asking her what was wrong with me?! I'm going to call monday and see If I can get her to return my call or email me or something, I can't believe I left without asking but I was wreck, barely able to hold it together I was worried about trying not to let my girlfriend see me like that.

Anyway, I go tomorrow for my physical examination. I always had the mental problems since I was a kid seems like, never had many friends, didn't get along with people, couldn't relate, but I've also dealt with back problems since I was 18. Now I'm not getting any better and I can't even jog, something so simple, I can't even walk very well. No more martial arts, no more sports or sparring, I can't even stand and cook a steak on the stove without my right leg and butt/groin going completely numb and my left one most of the way, then I have to shuffle and limp to a chair or the couch, and deal with the pain. I'm sorry I promise I am not fishing for sympathy, I just can't sleep and this bs is a huge part of my life now so it's always on my mind. I just want this whole thing to be over.