I am so sorry you are in such pain. I agree, you do need therapy. My daughter died 21 years ago last month, and I didn't seek therapy until about 3 years ago. This Friday will be her 22nd birthday. Just 2 weeks ago I was working on guilt and other feelings about her death, and I know I will this week too. Of course we will be here for you whenever you need us, but we can't help you in the same way a professional can. It doesn't have to hurt this much.