Yes, he's completely aware of how things have changed with him. He suffers terribly from guilt afterwards but as it happens, it controls him and all he can do is leave for a while to calm down.
It's 4am here in the UK and he's just gone to bed. We've spent hours talking tonight because he had (I'm not sure what to call them) an episode caused by my putting the ironing board up just before he wanted to vacuum. He reacted very badly and exploded as though he'd caught me making love to the neighbour's dog.
He's all back to normal now and I can barely see as my eyes are so puffy from crying.
I married him seventeen years ago and swore I would stick with him no matter what and I will but it can be soul destroying when he looks at me with such hate and says such horrible things, he knows me so well he knows how to hurt me and he does. Sometimes it feels like I've reached my limit and one more thing will push me over the edge but then one more thing happens and I cope. I know that each time kills a bit more of me and I'm slowly disappearing under the weight of it all.
All this said with the clarity one only gets at 4am with swollen eyes.
Tomorrow the sun will shine, I will be inundated with the sounds of children and life will go on like it always does and I will find a way to make it okay. I know he isn't choosing this behaviour, he isn't enjoying it. It makes him miserable. So it's one foot in front of the other, propping him up as best I can.