Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm at a point in my life right where I'm confused as hell, I have no certainty of wether I'm depressed or not (fear it's something worse). See if you can relate to this feelings: although I'm not sad nor suicidal(heck no I want to get better and keep on with my life) I am constantly worried, worry that brings forth a feeling of dread and hopelessness. It feels as if someone flipped the channel in my brain and I'm no longer me. I have brain fog, feel mentally drained, little clarity to none(especially when I'm enduring some sort of stress outside the house), physically I'm not in such bad shape as I was a month ago but certainly not well either. In conclusion my existence has become one of grey tones and hopelessness. It's sort of like being in an alter state of consciousness or like being in dream. In the past I've experienced the type of self induced sadness that some of us experience, finding comfort in hating ourselves, constantly blaming ourselves, worrying about little things, spending endless hours wallowing about the past, stuff we did, etc. In that aspect I have experienced feelings of guilt and inadequacy, but even so I was..well..happy, in the sense that I was able to find joy in life. What I'm experiencing right now is very different. How did I end up feeling like this, well let me tell you my story so bare with me. Everything started February the 13th when I had a major panic attack caused by smoking marihuana. I hadn't smoke in years and the quantity was very small, but enough to send me in a panic. Feeling unable to drive to the hospital myself I ended up calling some close neighbors of mine who had no clue of my condition(I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for the past 7 years of my life, but learned to live with it medication free) In fact this was my first panic attack in years! The whole experience ended briefly and I was able to get back to my normal life. Two weeks later, oddly enough I managed to get myself in the same situation: smoked again, panic attack! This happened Feb 26 around 5 am after a night of heavy drinking and hanging out. Fearing about what this was going to lead to I rushed to the hospital by myself this time, alone. Had a tranquilizer applied and back home. Strangely the fear remained. I left there with a sense of unfinished dread. Nope, the fear wasn't gone. That day I slept an uncomfortable and interrupted sleep. My anxiety persevered! I woke up around 7:30 am, anxious, worried. Went out to eat with my dear family, didn't eat a thing. Went back home and panic kicked in. Back to the ER, this time I was to experience the second most traumatizing panic attack of my life(and I have had many). I could find no solace whatsoever in the fact I was there in a room full of professionals that were there to help me. For the first time in my life I experienced dissociation, a sense of detachment from my self but not as severe as some have experienced it, I just felt as if some part of me was ready to jump out. I almost fell like a robot or a puppet..weird. After arriving at my house, my anxiety was still not gone! I was still feeling dissociated and spent the most horrible night of my life. One of unrelenting and unmanageable terror..nonstop, until 7 am where I struggled to sleep in short lapses until 2 pm. I woke up feeling like a train wreck. In conclusion, since then, I have felt the way I feel right now, although physically I was incredibly fatigued. I have been able to regain some of my mental stability but not to the point of feeling like the old me. I miss the old me, but I guess this was to be the wake up call that I needed to change my lifestyle since I was drinking heavily for the past years. Now I'm not anymore. I'm repulsed by it now. Sorry about this whole ordeal I put you through, if you managed to read it all lol! I really need help and seeking it anywhere I can. I want to come back to myself, even with all my past tribulations there's nobody else I rather be. There was plenty of good things about me that made up for the bad ones. Thank you for your time and patience. I'd appreciate your advise. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Manuel

P.S.: If my grammar seems awkward it's because I'm not american.