when i was married, my husband would invite people over for the holidays to show off his "perfect family". i would cook like crazy all day, we would eat, and then i would clean clean clean. he would spend the day socializing. i quit holidays. then i was with a man who preached "its just another day" because he had bad memories of holidays.

even so, holidays have always been bad times for me. I have always approached them with anxiety. they were cycle times. suicidal times. questioning why am i alive times. i think that it was because all the shows/stories promote family togetherness/love at these times and growing up, even at age six, i knew my family was committing fraud when we went out into the world presenting as a "happy family". it wasnt joyful or loving. there was nothing to celebrate. it sucked!

with my antiholiday ways, my kids really missed out. i decided to come up with at least one tradition. every christmas eve, the kids and i would get in the car, play christmas music and drive around looking at christmas lights. they are in theri 20's now and this will be the first year we are unable to do it as my daugther is in navy and unable to come home on leave.

how do i handle my anxiety? i dont know that i do. the meds have worked to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. i do a lot of volunteer work for toys for tots helping others have a decent christmas. take it day by day watching for signs that i am going downhill so i can address them quickly so i dont get out of control.