<font color="#000088"> Hi All -

Sorry to bother you with this. I can't help but want to get it all off my mind - the racing is killing me....

I had a friend come over on Thursday whom I nomrally talk freely to. I couldn't even stay around her long enough to get 5 sentences in before I went to my room and hid.... Later that evening, she wrote me a kinda-nasty email wondering what she did to deserve no attention. I explained that due to these disorders/diseases, I just can't function all the time between the disordres, the meds, etc... To date, I have not received any phone calls, emails, etc. from her and now I'm totally upset over this fact. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but this just goes to show that every VERY few people i still have contact with are slowly but surely distancing from me....

What should I do? Should I write her again and ask for forgiveiness? Half of me says yes, the other half maintains I did nothing wrong since I can't make myself just 'snap' back into reality. It just HURTS so damn bad that someone who has ALWAYS been there has now abandoned me....I really belive it is bcuz she doesn't understand how bad these disorders can affect a person who suffers from them...

I also have an appt. with the P-doc today, to go over the new meds and see how I am doing, and I am scared to death to be honest about what the meds are doing. I know I have to be honest, but the paranoia is taking over and I don't even want to go - I'm really in a bad state to where I am DEATHLY afriad I will get into a bad situation should I leave the house..... I swear I can't deal with this anymore - I want the 'miracle drug' that shuts off my brain..... I'm taking my daily logs with me so she can see what happens each day, hour-by-hour.... It's a compulsion to write all this down so I can have accurate records whenever I go through my memory loss spells/episodes. Given I'm on a down-side episode right now, everything and anything is at its worst.....

Thank you for listening in advance. I know I'll get all the support from my friends on here... </font>