To begin with, which God have you stopped believing in? It seems like everyone means something different when they say God, but they assume that everyone else means the same thing. It feels so obvious to everyone that it isn't worth asking about. If you have decided that what you have been told about God describes a picture that doesn't make sense, then it only makes sense for you to not believe in that particular God. The problem is that now it sounds like part of you still believes in a God who would allow you to be punished for not believing. This doesn't really make sense either. Usually God is defined as being all-powerful and all-knowing. You can throw eggs at your neighbors house, or you can kick a security guard, or you can put laxatives in brownies and serve them at work. You can do these things as one person with a physical body to another person with a physical body. God is another matter. No matter what you may have heard, we can't hurt God any more than we can drain all the oceans with a spoon. It makes even less sense that God would feel compelled to retaliate. Unfortunately, what you know consciously is not enough to change things. That place in the back of your mind which still believes in a God who can be hurt and would strike back at you is the part which needs to be convinced. When there is punishment, this is where it actually comes from. It isn't something you choose to do to yourself, and I don't mean to suggest anything that would be called "blaming the victim". It is a process involving a lot of healing and few people choose to do it. Those that do, and really follow through with it, do so because they have to and not because they want to.