Wow, such a full plate you've got. I sure hear you about the holidays & anniversaries of deaths during this period. I so want to be able to remember my loved ones with joy, but I'm just not able to do that. I'm too deep into this dark pit to function like that.

And now your grandmother is sick. I hope for the best for her.

I can't sleep much either, haven't for several years. I've got the side effects to statin drugs which wake me after an hour or two, so I know what you mean about just not sleeping enough. Does your pdoc know you're trying to go off your meds? That sounds bad. Are there sleep probes associated with the meds you're on? Insurance messes up scrips so badly--I'm forever being switched & don't notice until stuff just quits working.

I'm so sorry you were in an auto accident! That must make it very hard to get on the road again, & especially in winter, which has enough terrors of its own. As I said ... so much to cope with all at once. I know nothing personally about SI except that it exerts a powerful draw. It sounds a lot like my addiction to alcohol--a comfort I could always count on. And nearly impossible to do without.

This is a battle we all wage daily or, for me and a lot of others, every hour. (5 minutes?!) Now & then there's a bright spot, maybe even a good day. I can remember good weeks, but that's been awhile.

The thing is, never give up. If you do, for me at least, it's over. If I keep trying ... well, I don't know. Maybe I won't spend every waking moment feeling like crying.

My very best to you. Hugs & PM anytime if it would help.