wow, today was tough. It's been a month of constant rupture/conflict with dbtT and it doesn't look like things can be resolved this time. The toll this is taking on me is enormous, and I'm trying really hard tonight to focus on ways I can take care of myself so I don't just get run into the ground with the overwrought emotions of all this.

So...eating is a big one. I don't get hungry, forget to eat, and basically have really poor nutrition. I'm going to make an effort to eat a healthy variety of foods in order to give my body healthy fuel to burn. Also, drinking lots of water, and drinking lots less alcohol. In fact, after spending most of today crying and sobbing, I decided I need to get back on the wagon again, so I went and dumped out all the alcohol I had in the house.

Sleep has actually been going ok for me, and I'm just going to continue doing what I've been doing.

Along with avoiding alcohol and other mood-altering drugs, I'm going to cut back on the vistiril I've been taking at bedtime, because it makes me feel really foggy in the morning and may be contributing to my depression. Of course, that may disrupt my sleep, but we'll see.

Other things I'm doing or will start doing: mindfulness meditation, which I do anyway, but today I set up a new area specifically for meditating. Reaching out when I feel like closing up. Reading my affirmations, out loud, to myself, over and over. I also put them on my phone so I can read them (silently!) whether I'm on the bus or in math class or whatever.

And, a biggie: I have to get caught back up on school. I don't think it's too late save my grades this quarter, and the sense of mastery I will feel if I do manage to get caught up will be great. Also if I don't pass this quarter I won't get my scholarship in January and that would be catastrophic.

I thought it might help for me to type this all out and post it, maybe it'll help this stuff stay fresh in my mind. Thanks for reading.