((((tree))) thank you so much.

Your words echo almost eerily a conversation I had with a friend this afternoon. I was crying and telling her I can't do this, it's too hard (which is something I am trying really hard not to tell myself, but I have my moments...) and she reminded me that losing my kids was so much harder than this (it really really really was) and I survived that, so I can survive this.
And I said, yeah, but I was almost completely emotionally numb back then. I never even cried over losing my kids. Not that I didn't care, because I did, but I just didn't let myself feel it that much. I got through that by taking a lot of prescription anxiety meds, by numbing out, and by self harming.

So, in some ways, this IS harder, because I'm really really feeling it. And then I think of Anne Lamott and how she says to embrace pain, to not shy away from it, to remember that pain is part of life and ask yourself "how alive do I want to be?"

And yet... as much as I believe everything I've written here, there is a large part of me that doesn't care about any of that. That's the part of me that called dbtT this afternoon and left a message, sobbing and begging her to please, please, please not give up on me. Please.