I am constantly fearing the world around me. Many times T has told me that I project my fear outwards so it feels like it is coming back to me a thousand fold. This past week we T used the words "no mercy" to describe how my mother was toward me. They stuck with me, and last night I drwamt about my mother and feeling memories were with me on waking, one memory at the forefront was when I slept rought for a short while and I'd alaways remembered it as another example of my "badness", but after the dream I remembered how awful it felt to be in her company, her judgements, who having no mercy on my pain, who was the cause of my pain.

Remembering all the disillusionments I expereinced each time she acted "normal"only to be pulled back into her "maddness" soon afterwards, the fear inside me, the fear a baby would have felt dealing with this. I realised how to survive I had to project the fear outwards and protect my mother in a little box. How this was the focus I had on the world around, it became the world that had no mercy, the world that had to be hid from, other people who were a threat. Taking back these projections feel much more managable, I can see that now. I always feel as if a wave will wash over me if I remember to much to fast, but it happens in managable doses.