I think the reason I don't want to go is that I know it will hurt. I will leave there torn up and raw and with nobody to help me feel better. This has happened, increasingly, for the past month and I can see myself starting to get stronger just about when it's time to see her again, and it starts all over.

I would love to have a tapering off, to have an end date and know what it is and work through my feelings about it. But if I can't have that, and it appears I cannot, then I think maybe I need to just stop now.

It's so hard to know. I am in so much pain. It feels like it doesn't get any better, other than the really brief moments when it leaves me. It just always comes back, it doesn't go away, it doesn't get easier.

I just keep telling myself that this will change, that someday it WILL be easier, and I have to hang on, to live to see that day.