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It fits my mood perfectly. I try so hard to be up and happy, my pills don't always work because my life is so ****** right now(even though I've upped my prozac to 20mg recently I think I need more). I really need to find another job soon, anything better than where I'm working now before I get my new career as an editor set up- otherwise I fear I might start cutting myself again, or maybe try to do something worse. I really am trying not to hate my life. I just feel like I've made so many mistakes and now have basically no close friends outside of my family (who's kidding, my mother- hate/love relationship) that I’m slowly falling apart. I’ve always been one to believe that fiends and family is more important than money, and I have little of both right now, which is REALLY hard for me to deal with.
I’m trying not to go back to smoking weed, over 6 months clean now. Though sometimes it’d be nice to forget my worries and get high, though I don’t because I know it’ll get me nowhere, and has led to more problems than not for me in the past when I was using.
I don't know if my relationship with my boyfriend is going anywhere, but I do love him and he makes me happy when he's around. I'd like it if he helped clean up a bit more around our place though.
I'm realizing I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder- or depressive bipolar, I forget the term. I realize I don't always perceive things correctly. I will think someone has a problem with me, but then discover I'm reading between lines that aren't there, aka. seeing something that's not there- I think too much perhaps- on top of that my job, besides being unfit to my skill and intelligent level, it's also a job that requires me to be more outgoing than I am. Considering I also believe I'm shizotypal - the whole situation of my life right now just adds to my depression and social anxiety. That and I effin mumble instead of speak for the most part. Sometimes I get frustrated and just want to hurt/kill someone or myself. I also am a peaceful person by nature so these feelings are very conflicting. I know I scare off potential friends because I'm way too intense, though I try to maintain a sense of laid-backness and laugh away my anxieties when I can. I joke more when I'm depressed . . weird. I have an appt with my pdoc coming up next month, I can't wait. I've left her some messages about the bipolar and shizotypal worries; hopefully I can get a handle on things soon.
Last edited by DespondentDaisy; Nov 20, 2011 at 04:46 PM.
Reason: adition
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