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I wonder if it's them... It's so hard to know... Wondering if it's actually personalities that cause the voices and the blackouts or if it's some other unknown to me at this moment cause. It is just so frustrating! I need to know the cause to know the best way to treat it it seems. Without any t or pdoc wanting to help me I'm on my own at the moment. So what do I do? The times are getting more and more frequent where I am dissociating. I am getting spacey. Things seem kinda real I guess... Just not real to me. Like I know they are happening but I'm so far away from them they aren't happening to me, even though It's happening to my body. Like I will be walking into the next room and I know and kind of feel myself walking but it seems like my body is so far away from my mind that it's not happening to me. Same thing with what I've been saying about speaking. I will say a full sentance... Not really something that I wouldn't say any other time, but something I did not intend to say. But my body says it and it seems so far away it's like I said it but I didn't. Does it even matter? Does figuring it out help? I seem to manage alright. That's all we really can do sometimes. I just put one foot in front of the other. I can't change it, I can't make it stop and I can't make it better when no doctor wants to help me. So what can I do? Do I even need to do anything? Is there a way to live normal with all of this? Is there a way to learn to manage life when you can't remember who you are? I feel like I'm getting alzheimers and I'm only 24!
Can't things just keep going? What happens if I ignore this? What happens if I just push it all down, not say anything and just pretend like it doesn't happen? Pretend that it's normal? It's what I've been doing with other things. I see things all the time now. I feel the earth move under my feet all the time now. I lose balance and feel as if I'm ona ship out at sea. I hear things. I "imagine" things. I hear people say things, I know for sure people say things but they deny 100% saying them. I'm wrong, I have to be because this is a common issue with many people. I guess I imagine they say things and it seems real to me and I believe they say it and they really didn't. So is anything real any more? Is the world? Am I? Are you? Are you me? Are we the same? I am feeling blackouts trying to happen more and more.
I feel them trying to take over. I fight it. I keep here. I ground myself, I mentally glue myself to my body and I refuse to budge. Until I know, until I have help in understanding, I just don't know what else to do. I've often wondered if perhaps this newish (happened few times before just not as frequent) feeling of not being me, of not controlling me is perhaps a product of fighting the blackouts. Could it possibly another chapter in my DID book, or perhaps a new twist to change the book? It's so confusing!
I will post more on the other replies very shortly but first, I must take a cig break before I get emotional!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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