I hope you feel better now that you got to dump all that. There were many things I could identify with. The wanting to die, feeling like no one would notice, the conflict in not understanding how well I could pull it off at work, but if they only knew, the fear of being discovered for who i really am, having no friends or social outlet, crappy family members. having no support. I spent my whole life that way raising three kids on my own. Always wanting to die because I could never see the light, had no hope of seeing the light from the bottom of the dark pit i was in.

In my forties, I had a nervous breakdown and finally got on medication. When we finally found the right medication, the world changed dramatically. I can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope, the world can be a different place. It was a long hard road, but i didnt give up. and it was well worth it.

so do follow thru on getting help for yourself. keep at it. you sound like a survivor. let go of the past and move forward. most important, hang in there until the miracle happens.

welcome to PC.