When my son was 5, he started kindergarten at the public school down the road. Something about it didn't feel right...I had always considered homeschooling, but wasn't sure if it was going to be right for us, so I sent him to school. I felt like "well, that's it, I chose school, I'm stuck now".

Three weeks later (after much agony) I started to believe that I could bring him home to homeschool...and that I could send him back to the public school if it turned out it wasn't for us. I realized that I will always have choices, and that nothing had to be set in stone. I REALLY felt until that moment that whatever I decided had to be THE decision...no going back. It was freeing to realize that it didn't have to work that way...but also a little stressful, because there wasn't the finality of "there! I decided! I'm done!"

He did end up homeschooling through 8th grade and started public high school this year. Because we still had that choice, even 8 years later. And right now, THIS is what feels right.

You don't have to decide right now whether or not you'll ever see T again. You can decide to go for your last three sessions. Or you can decide not to. And later, if you DO have the feeling that you need a different kind of closure, you can find a way to get that...with a session, or a letter, or a phone call, or something else that has yet to be revealed.

You can decide to do what is right for you right now, in this moment. When my son was 5, what was right right then was bringing him home. It might have changed in first grade, or third, or ninth, or never, and that's okay. If it's right for you right now to not see T, it's okay. You don't have to try to guess what the future will feel like, or try to make a "final" decision right now. You can decide to do whatever feels safest in this moment.

This is so, so, so hard. Whenever you can, see if you can ground yourself in the thinnest sliver of now you can find, even if it's just for a few seconds. Sometimes that helps me get through the hardest times.

Thinking of you, zoo