Not sure where to post this, at the moment all my issues seem to be intertwined. I have been having the most horrendious nightmares --I am somewhere safe amd comfortable and I see a shadow, look up and know that this person is going to hurt me. So far it has been a man I don't recognize or my mother, I seem to be quite small in the dream, cos the person is HUGE. Whatever she or he is going to do I have no ideal because just the sight is so scary I jolt awake all panicked. Needless to say, it is difficult to get back to sleep afterwards. So I am back to avoiding sleeping which isn't a good plan cos then I want to si more.

Added to this is a thread on a parenting group I belong to. One of the moms caught her daughter assaulting her son. I feel so much pain for everyone involved and so much more guilt. I really tried to think about what would it be like to not feel guilty to forgive myself and what am I getting out of feeling guilty. I keep coming to the same conclusion, if I didn't feel guilty for what I did I would feel guilty for not caring enough about what I did. I long for some peace and yet accept that I don't deserve it. So far I haven't cut since I saw therapist but the urge is awful. I feel so vile and miserable. I hate feeling I really wish I could go back to the place where I felt nothing, nothing at all.