Sorry to all for continually bringing this topic up but it helps me to 'think out loud' and that's accomplished by putting my thoughts out there/here into cyberspace.

This is what I believe - everyone is on a journey- a journey to find their true selves/core selves. Now, some people don't know they're on a journey or that they could be on that journey. I envision a dirt pathway with lots of people walking on it. Some are racing forth - in sprints or in a steady run; others are ambling and just noticing their surroundings and hardly aware that they might consider moving forward; some have stopped completely and have made camp by the side of the road. They have forgotten that they're on a journey and either don't notice that people are passing by or don't understand where they're going.

So, those of us in therapy, it seems to me, are the people who are moving on this pathway. We are determined to continue on and although many times we have forgotten the purpose of our journey, there is something that compels us to move forward.

And, of course, this journey is like any other journey. There sometimes is confusion about the direction to be going; there are setbacks for one reason or another; there is disillusionment when the going gets tough.

So, I'm seeing now that attachment to T is attachment to the journey to one's True Self. Life, with all its distractions and all its commotion tends to get us off the path. And the path is forgotten so easily. Routine sets in, daily tasks to be attended to, inherent drama to maneuver, and on and on. "What path?", we may ask.

And then we go to T and we're reminded. "Oh yes, that path."

But the allure of struggling to make progress on the path ebbs and flows. Trying to cross the flooded walkway, attempting to climb over the slide, terrible storms to withstand and on and on. Wouldn't it just be better to stop and make camp? Who ever said we have to be on this journey? Isn't comfort - even relatively 'uncomfortable' comfort better than this pain of keeping on keeping on?

So, with T we go into session with the goal of finding ourselves. I believe that no matter what our particular challenge is psychologically, in the end if we can touch and meet our core selves, our goal will have been reached.

There is a huge attraction to being on this path. So, therefore a huge attraction to meeting with T. It is in session that we are given the invitation to strip away our outer coverings and dig deeply. This offers an almost euphoric response in us.

But, it also arouses the terror - the terror of really finding out about ourselves. As T has pointed out to me, we must bring out into the open the unacknowledged and unresolved parts of ourselves. We must face the shadow. And that is grueling and that is painful. We fear what will happen when we allow those 'unacceptable' parts of ourselves to be seen.

And, thus is the ongoing internal conflict between loving/hating T. But, for me now, I see that she is essential for me so that I will continue walking on the path of self-discovery. Without her the veil of forgetfulness drops too easily over me. I need her now and that's o.k.