Hello all. I am a divorced man who is still deeply in love with his ex wife. We were married for 12 years and have two children together. I have something wrong with me in that I have a tendency to set very high expectations and I can find flaws in almost anything or anyone. Our marriage started out rocky. We barely knew each other, she is from Scandanavia and I am from the US, so there is a culteral difference too. We got married after we found out she was pregnant with our son. It came at a time in my life when I was tired of the singles scene and felt I was ready to settle down. She is beautiful, intelligent, driven, and loving...but I neglected her emotionally for most of our marriage. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never broke things or threatened to leave. Nothing like that...but she says that sometimes she wished I would hit her. At least I would've been showing her some attention.
Inevitably, she sought emotional comfort in another man. Once her feelings for him became strong enough, she left me. We were supposed to be having a trial separation, but I found out shortly thereafter that she was seeing this guy. At that point, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was very much in love with her and I had done my very best to drive her away. I fought for over a year to get her back. Throughout that time, she moved back in, then moved back out, stopped seeing that other guy, then started seeing him again, and so on and so on. Finally, she saw the other guy for what he was, an opportunist and frankly, a bit of a pyscho. There was some stalking going on toward the end there. About 7 months ago we decided that we would try again. After a year of counseling and many many books, we thought we were ready. Unfortunately, I deployed to Iraq just as we were finding our groove. While I was gone, the stress of being in a combat zone amplified all my negative emotions. I was jealous, suspicious, angry, and paranoid. I never sounded happy to talk to her and eventually, I told her that we weren't making each other happy and we needed to move on. Deep down inside, I really hoped that she would argue against this and fight for me the way I had been fighting for her all that time. She didn't. Well, I'm home now and I have been trying to act as if the stuff that was said during my deployment shouldn't count for anything. It's too late though. She has a new "friend" who makes her laugh and "treats her well". She says that she can't be in a relationship with me right now because she needs to heal. She is moving to the Northeast in a few weeks for a new job and I'm going to stay here so the kids can finish the school year without moving. Then we are all going up there, but I'll most likely be in an apartment of my own. I just want to be close to the kids no matter what happens with us. The wierd thing is, this "friend" lives in the Southwest part of the country. There is no future for her and he together, but she is willing to put me through this pain and agony just for this week that he is staying here for a visit. The week before he came, I was staying at her house and it was wonderful. We were living together as if we were still married. All benefits included. We talked about how much we loved each other and couldn't let the other go, but she still had these plans with this guy that she wasn't willing to break. She claims that all she wants from him right now is friendship, but I find that very hard to believe since I had to go to a hotel so he could stay at her house. I've really screwed things up for myself and my family. I just wish there was something I could do to make it all OK.