I guess I don't use the word "abusive" in the sense of being deliberately mean. I tend to believe people are basically good. If they hurt or abuse other people, it's because they're in pain themselves. They're trying to get some relief from their suffering. They may or may not be aware that they're inflicting pain on other people. They may or may not care. And if you tell them they're hurting you, they may or may not stop. They may or may not believe you. They may or may not be able to stop - even if they want to. By that definition, your mom is abusive.

Good point that makes sense, I guess my mom hides a critical spirit behind a cheerful facade and I have come to the realization that in fact her pleasant demeaner is only on the surface-- in deed a facade. She even uses the bible against us when we do or say something she doesn't like. I hate that she tries to be the thought police for us all and I hate that she encouraged me to repress my emotions as a child.

That is the most unhealthy thing you can ever teach a child, she also instructed me to never tell about anything that happens at home and never talk about my feelings with anyone! She is very secretive and she hides a lot of things I just feel sorry for her. If I ever have kids I will teach them the very opposite of what I learned.

I truely believe she is a product of her area, family and she and I and our family are black and black people have a way of denying that they even have problems. It's a pride issue. I hate the way black people are so close minded and judgemental on everyone. I know other people are close minded and judgemental but black people seem to add an whole other level of venem to the mix.

I never really realized these things about my mom till that fight we had then I realized she has a serious mental/emotional issues and what she does is she stuffs her anger and frustration and sadness all down deep inside and lets it fester till she blows up.

She just had a crazied, fearful look in her eyes like some kind of wounded animal when I told her that I was going to style my hair anyway I wanted and I didn't care what she thought and that she wants to control us and not let us be individuals (my siblings and me). She wouldn't even shut up and listen to how I felt.

She was singularly focused on how she didn't like what I wanted to do for myself and was so irrate that she told me to leave her alone and she would tell my dad. In that moment I knew that she was absolutely off her rocker. She has no right to tell me what to do I'm thirty years old she has done her job and she needs to let me make my own choices which she never wants to do. I'm so furious with her and I havn't spoken to her since the fight. I don't know what to say to her.

I don't think my son was setting out to be abusive to me, for example. He wasn't thinking, "Wow, I'll hurt her with this!" He was angry or in pain himself, and he tried to get some relief by yelling and accusing.

Your mom reminds me a bit of one of my mom's friends. My mom is 81 and basically all the people she knew when she was young have died or become so disabled they're mostly homebound. So she's tried to find new friends to do things with. One is a lady named Theresa. Theresa is a depressive, so it's hard to be around her. She complains all the time. She makes racist comments which make my mom uncomfortable. But the worst is she's constantly correcting, disagreeing, and arguing over every little thing. I feel so sorry for her. She's a widow (doesn't miss her husband, though, because he cheated on her) with two surviving sons (one died at age 25).

Her sons will have nothing to do with her. She complains about them all the time. They can do nothing right in her eyes. The only one she actually seems to like is the dead one. They both live in the same city with her, but neither invited her to their houses for Christmas last year. One moved to a different house without telling her. She only found out because she happened to drive by his old house and saw a real estate agent's sign in the yard. She thinks he may also be divorced, but she's not sure.

I feel so sorry for the woman. She's driven everyone away. Even my mother can barely stand to be around her. She just needs someone to do things with, so she tolerates her.