So I mentioned in one thread that my T used the word "intimacy" last week in reference to my relationship with one of my female friends and in reference to him. He meant it in the emotional sense and no other, but I immediately felt ill.

So this week, I told him how I felt and we talked that a little. However, I really wanted to focus on this phobia I have about going to the doctor and have that dreaded yearly exam. I know everyone woman hates it, but I panic and have never gotten through an exam without completely dissociating or weeping at some point. Or both. I hate that. So, in the course of discussing that, we ended up discussing the weird and inappropriate ways in which my mother used to touch and "examine" and "inspect" me. We also discussed the fact that my first sexual encounter happened while I was passed out on a date. I feel disgusting and horrible and . . . exposed, I guess is the word. Ended up back with discussing the whole "intimacy" thing because T thinks they are tied together.

I say "discussed" but really I talked very haltingly and he told me he was sorry and the whole thing was not about me -- it happened to me, but didn't mean anything about me as a person. I think I made him repeat himself quite a lot.

Why the heck would I even start this conversation? Ewwww. and I don't see him for ten more days, so I get to just sit with the whole ewww-ness of it.