For me, all this stuff was tied up together: the dissociation with the annual poke-n-prod, the difficulty with any kind of intimacy, and my past history of sexual abuse. Emphasis on the word was, although it has never gone entirely away. I started talking about the abuse in T more than 15 years ago, and did so for a solid 5 years. Then I started T again about 8 months ago to deal with some conflict in my marriage. A few months later, I started talking about my history again, after I'd had a flashback during s*x and wept at an appointment with the dentist. No new memories or anything like that, just a recycling of old stuff. My phobia of the poke-n-prod had extended to dental treatment.

Sexual abuse is invasive, and I don't just mean that literally. Its effects sneak into corners and crevices in your relationships even with people other than lovers and in experiences that are only vaguely similar, or only loosely symbolically similar, to the dynamics or actions of the abuse itself. I can get very angry thinking about all of the ways that my history has affected me, past and present. Some things just change you forever.

It gets better, though. Really. And in my experience the only way to get over that "eww" factor and its hold over your body and mind is to talk about it. It's okay however you talk about it and however you feel about it. You can write about it, too. I found that helps. It will lose its power once it's out in the open. I think treehouse said something in a post of hers not long ago, about taking those memories and releasing them into the world-- they are very big trapped inside you but very small out there in the atmosphere. Apologies if I got this wrong.

See if you can stick with the feelings that this raises in you. Try to hang onto them and see where they lead you rather than resisting or struggling against them. Invite them to sit with you and see if that works to loosen their grip over you.

And most of all, know that you are brave to have revealed this to your T. It's a big step on the path to healing.

Anne