I feel a lot like you do about about a number of things. I know I have DID. It fits so well with my experiences and my behavoirs, and reactions to things over the whole course of my life that it's scary. It took a very long time to admit to many of the things I've been experiencing as long as I can remember, to my therapist. I was stunned at the feelings and expirences I shared with so many others on another DID forum. Much of it was to things I had never spoken about to anyone. Ever.
Yet there it was all spelled out, and sometimes even described exactly as I would have described it, if I had ever spoken or written about it.
I went to another psychologist to get a objective diagnosis, from someone I hadn't seen before.
She said I was a text book example of DID. Not poly-fragmented, and she said i have wonderful resources, whatever that means. (the resources thing, not the ploy-fragmentation).
I can't seem to stop trying to get out of it, if you know what I mean.
I don't want this. I don't want to have DID, or anything else for that matter. I have someone who keeps running down lists of reasons it can't be true. makeing arguments about how i'm fakeing the whole thing. That I'm doing it because I want attention, and so no one will rely on me for anything so no one will ask me to do anything and on and on endlessly.
I know that some of my others are not happy because I'm talking about them, and letting my thereapist know what they are saying.
It's supposed to be a secret. no one is supoosed to know. And you don't talk about hearing voices, inside your head or outside of it, because you'll get locked up.
I really want to understand this. How can I have parts working against other parts all inside the same head?. I know i can hear them argue at times. I would be tempted to go along with the one who is trying to convince me I'm making it up if there wasn't so much evedence, hard evendence, I'm not. At this point it's like denying a broken leg.
If i'm faking, where's the pay off? I must be getting something out of it. and the "doing it for attention" argument disintegrates because the last thing I want is attention. For anything, never mind for having mental health issues.
I want it all to be over. I want it to never have happened. I don't want to have to accept the things I have to accept.
oh boy. I went on for a bit there. hope some of it makes some sense.
I think the hardest thing about this is just talking about it.

jax