Hi Zenobia,
I can see that you can tell where I am at. Unfortunately, I'm not in control of the person in a dark ball inside of me. She is very loud and strong and embarasses me. I dont' think I have multiple personalities, but lack of control the child-based emotions is harrowing. I would like to gain control of my paranoia.

Sounds like you are a bit further along in the process than I.
One day I hope to respect myself a bit more and come to enjoy the way my brain works. That might be the key to keeping me out of these emotional spins. I dunno.

I used to have more control than I do now. I was very rigid and formal and business like and was a leadership person in a religious organization that was very rigid and that fed my need for structure and for everything to be set in stone so I could follow the rulebooks. I was also very very busy. So busy I didn't have time to talk to people in group situations because I was running around all busy with a job to do. I pulled off that life for 20 years. I'm not knocking it completely. It got me off drugs and freed me from a lot of stuff because I had switched addictions to religious intoxication. However... I have outgrown it... so 2 years ago I dropped off of that merry-go-round and am looking into new ways to grow. I am not as rigid anymore. My mind is opening up and as scarey as it is... I am trying to think for myself. I catch myself needing to be told what to do sometimes, but I think for myself a lot too.

Thanks for the chance to know you.