I will say I know exactly how you feel.

My mom died when I was 13. This has been a huge trauma on me. She died of cancer, not suicide. But still, I often feel she had me and then left me here alone to deal with people who hate me.

So I have my sons and my baby. And I don't want them to not have me, even if I'm not "normal" and I'm a mess. I take good care of them, and give them mom, because I don't have mom. But I have those thoughts, too, of how if they were not here I would die. And also, my husband, I live for him, too. Even though now we are going through a rough time. I remember when my mom died and what it did to my dad. I don't know if my husband would have the same reaction, but I know it messes everyone one up when death happens.

When I was a teen I ended up decided to live because my dad was severly depressed by my mother's death. Everyone said to me "he might kill himself." So, I said I'm all that's left and forced myself to live.

I guess some days you can't live for yourself so the next step is to live for others.