Open Eyes First I am so sorry for complaining about this DX when you are right, decades ago it may not have even been recognized for some (maybe just war vets and such) but "normal society" I bet that was hard for some docs to swallow.

Also thank you so much for sharing your words with me (us, anyone reading)..

See these days at 25 I get the whole not going up entirely more than when I was young; when I was younger that was all I wanted, If i grew up I could get out. right?.. these days I still feel like a child so many days, lost and confused... When I read about the school studies, I thought to myself in High school I differed but in ways not (I never thought I would go any where even though graduating with honors), now elementary and middle a different story of how well I did, but school for me at any age was my escape from home- it was the one place I went and there was not the chaos as home was (I may had picked this up from my 2nd oldest sister for that is what she did a lot as well- she was the one I spoke of getting it worse). She amazes me, she never did drugs- I fell in drugs, my oldest sister never did drugs like I did either,.... I don't get why the 3 boys and I were so enticed by that life... it was a true escape.. it was doing my ultimate goal of dying some days I think... I remember a friend and I use to joke around that we had death wishes with how much we did- and yes, i think we did... My mom was no help with that, she'd let me "sleep" then when i came to be like "I thought you were going to die".. well geez thanks ma, what if I did? LOL, sigh- i just have to laugh some days with that cuz the only other thing is to get mad and cry if not.

I got told my constant suicidal thoughts, even in happy times, are due to my rage, my past.... I got mad at the pdoc when he said "you seem to have a lot anger" in my head was I am not angry you mofo-- sigh looking back I think so esp. with such a response.

It took me years to accept that maybe someone would love me, and struggle even with that today. I saw what a monster I could be if I just jumped into relationships.. I knew my rage young- sadly when others saw it I was shocked and IDK why. (My mom, she was really the anti-human to me- then my dad use to say- women grow up just like their mothers, which scared me so-- I did not want to make the same mistakes as her, as my oldest sister did get involved young, have kids and be miserable)

sorry I feel like I am rambling-

Kaliope-*Sigh* I think some things I don't realize as you- only on surfaces some times do i realize, but I think i have ignored the surface so long that is what I do now. I know it takes time, but it is hard too at the same time..

IE someone gets mad, if it is a guy (even my boyfriend) i think I did something wrong/I need to fix it- push my feelings aside and get some thing done, and that thought of I may get beaten.... My boyfriend is not a violent person, he has only "lost his temper" with yelling at me, when I was yelling at him mind you- only once in the almost 3 years we been together, and the almost 5, that we have known each other. he is a gentle person, I know these thoughts are due to past--- my father and my brothers and even my mother.

I cant help but to be on guard constantly at work, work I think in strange ways I am triggered- I actually wrote that out a little last night after some thoughts.... it is long to explain... And what I gathered from T on last session she just sees it as normal job stress- which I don't due to it makes me think of memories when I am young.

I know with in my relationship with my boyfriend, his family and even friends, I have trouble trusting people, always on the look out.. strangers are worse.

i feel tense over probably 80% of the time, waiting to be smacked down by a being or an unforeseen bad thing... even right now as I type, even today- I could not sleep.. but IDK if this is hypo mania- i have been told i have been agitated a lot IDK.

IDK - I wish us all well. I wish us peace of mind. I am glad that you all that posted on here, you realize some thing in side yourself- thus you are breaking habits,

I know i have sad sadly- there is no cure for a person like me, as Open Eyes says Children of people with issues adjust- we Adjust with what we have, we do try to make it better.

best wishes all, i am sorry I am having issues staying on track today