Where do I start?

I don’t know if I should be speaking to a career councilor or a psychologist or psychiatrist. Actually, I spoke to them all. I've been to career counseling sessions. They only helped with my resume. Psychiatrist only prescribed pills which I didn’t do and the psychologist I gave u on when I saw him one day in the gym staring into his locker, swaying slightly forward and backward, talking into the locker. No, he was not listening to a Walkman. I never went back.

I've been self-employed for 16 years. Never really made a solid income. Income is in spurts at best. Being self employed, I qualify for nothing – no health care, no benefits, no dental, no retirement plan, no savings only increasing bills. I once racked up credit cards to over 30,000.00 in order to keep the business running. I had to refinance my home in order toe get out of debt, but now my mortgage is bigger and I don’t have the luxury to do that again. I have no deal in the immanent future and only enough money to make one more month’s mortgage payment. I have a wife and 2 kids. She works only 2 days a week because a sitter is too expensive.

The last year, I have not been able to sleep at night. Get up every night at 2am until 6am, then sleep till 8, then up for the day, usually tired by 5pm. The last month, I've slept on the couch because there’s no sense also waking the wife up.

Other things I have always wanted to do are cost prohibitive. I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. That cost about 50,000.00 by the time you have enough hours and enough ratings above the initial licensing to become a good commodity. I can’t afford the time off to train or the money (or the money to run the household WHILE training. Financing the training doesn’t cover enough either.

2) I made a video. Its has been selling for a about a year but the income is nothing to write to the Queen of England about. I would love to be a movie producer but again, it’s a long shot.

3) I’m a pretty good martial artist but doing the math it doesn’t make sense to me to open a school. Even IF I could get 100 students (which is a large school) they only pay 600/year each IF they stay! That, less the expenses puts one back in the poor house. Also it could take years to get to 100 students (IF).

The industry I’m in has changed dramatically with many new laws and restrictions what deals I do make usually end up in court due to some small technicality, the buyer trying to get out etc.

Every night, I pray. I don’t know what will happen first, money run out? Bank take the house? How will I be able to face my wife and kids? But I have 16 years experience, and there are people in the industry that still make money (fewer and fewer but nevertheless less, still some) fact is, I don’t enjoy it anymore. People treat you like sht they feel there is very little values in our service and will easily go to the next competitor for a few dollars. Flakes. And if you try to get them to sign an agreement to use your services – even for a short time, they will generally say they will go elsewhere – but with no such agreement, there is no protection. Doubled edged sword.

I just want to be good at something. I’ve never been good at making money. And, after years in martial arts, I’m “ok” (probably great to someone that knows nothing) but “ok” to others. This is very disheartening.

Also I have an operation that needs to be done. I've been putting it off for years but it isn’t getting better by itself. There’s a substantial cost involved and again, I have no insurance or anything. Also I don’t know how long it will lay me up for therefore any potential income for that period will be 0.

I’m fine during the day, like nothing is wrong, but come 2am, I can’t shut off the mind and it wakes me up. And I’m plagued by nightmares during the few hours that I do sleep. All of this wreaks havoc on my health.

Finally, the clock is ticking too. At near 40, I’m probably too old now to start something new. Pilots only last up till 50-55. If I HAD the money, it would take years to get the license and build the hours. I did start training at one point but could only log 15 –20 hours due to time and money and I felt guilty while doing it as well.

Your thoughts comments are greatly appreciated.

M/