Kaliope- this here I relate to a lot-----" if my BF didnt get pissed at me/blame me for whatever when wrong, i beat myself up for it. i would SI, hit myself over the head. I needed to be punished. I needed to be punished."
I wrecked the car last October- My boyfriend said that accidents happen and I was so glad he was home with me that night, I wanted to hurt me so bad, I needed to be punished.. I shared this with him- He Does not understand, it is hard to explain due to logically it does not make sense.

And this "tryingto suppress the need to cry in a professional setting just was so hard to do." I work nights, I am so glad that I do- I worked 1st shift a few months and I would go hide and cry a few times... Night shifts it is easier to go and hide and cry, It is very hard some days to keep calm and quiet.

--"beau- do you have the dissociative symptoms as well? depersonalization? derealization?"

At Times-I suppose.......I do have some thoughts on things are not real, intrusive thoughts of things "i make up"- part of Borderline traits that my T and I talk about are the love and hate, him cheating on me, me being left for another and so on.... As far as other thoughts- (I am not sure if this goes with direalization or not) I some times think the skies, land scaps- the world is a mirage in a way, it is hard to describe- it is all fake or set up. I can go on tangents of things are a project...... I can go tangents that my life is just a cruel joke (I am not religious but I tend to say God is laughing at me and so on messing with my things)....

I do lose track of time often, forget what I am doing when doing it- I need to be careful cooking some days cuz I get utterly spacey at times and forget that I was doing something when i go do something else "for a short time". I am lucky to realize that I think.
Sigh- I think part of my "different me's" maybe interconnected with some of this- what I mean by that is that I am different me's but I am me, realize that I am me, but this different me can handle situations much better at times so that me gets kicked in.... I dont think it is DID/MP due to I remember most of the time, me and I know it is me but maybe part of dissociation... That is all I can think of right now, besides times that I forget stuff utterly- even my boyfriend tells me "you said this" and I am like No I did not.. some times it takes a bit or not all remembering

Oh and some people, like here at work, I remember most of them but there are times, I don't remember people, but they know me- they talk about about some things that we talked about earlier, and know my name.. To be honest it sounds like some stuff I say, but I have no recollection of these people some times, and even after talking to them a few other time I don't remember the first time meeting them like they do-
I had this a few times as a child in school... I don't like it too much, it makes me more paranoid as in "tricks are being played" some days.

eh- i know they are concerns, but I always try to bring my self back (i think)...

I forgot- about signs--- some times I go through spouts where I think things are signs, I told this to Pdoc and t- actually I think this is the only dissociative thing I told Pdoc and T- I told T more about the rocks and in alignment and messages for me, and the frogs that I kept seeing and they were signs not to go to therapy.. T said the signs may just be my validation - my looking for answers in higher places... IDK, maybe-

Ya know my probably worse dissociation is with movies- I can watch a movie, swear I have never seen it, then like 20 or 15 minutes after watching it again- I tell you the end of what it is and if you say "you didnot remember it" I then say "oh now I remember it!" LOL this use to bug my brother so much cuz he did not get it-- I don't think that is a big thing though--


ya know after writing down this little bit it scares me if this movie thing was the only thing I recognized as dissociation but now after thinking there may be a little more.