beauflow wrote- "I can go tangents that my life is just a cruel joke (I am not religious but I tend to say God is laughing at me and so on messing with my things)...."

i used to always imagine god, up there with a buddy, looking down on me. maybe over a couple beers. and he's hitting his buddy in the arm excitely saying "watch this, watch this!" pointing down at me. Im climbing a ladder out of the pit of despair and i am almost to the top. and he is waiting for that precise moment that i reach that top rung. that moment when i finally see light and hope and i can breathe. and the second i get there he reaches down and with his giant thumb and forefinger and he flicks me off the ladder. He hits his buddy in the arm again and says "now watch, shes dumb enough to get on that ladder and climb again. we've been doing this forever and she never gives up."

its good that i didnt. ive finally found the light. no help from god as far as im concerned. thats an issue i may tackle another day.