I think some people are diagnosed with disorders they don't have. But I also think a large number of members of society think mental disorders are really just behavioral problems. To this day, my mom will say that I "have problems," and that she understands that, but will turn right around and say I "acted up" and "gave her problems" when I was young. I see myself as having been a very good child, disregarding my mental health issues. I didn't take drugs, get into trouble with the law, run away, etc. I disobeyed some orders, like when my parents wanted to travel to some places, not out of defiance, but out of terror. I was scared to death of my panic attacks, and going too far (which wasn't always far in a "normal" person's mind), and it frustrates me and makes me want to cry, because to this day, people think I was misbehaving. They want me to act "reasonable" when I'm in the middle of a panic attack. When you're in the middle of a panic attack, all you think about is survival and stopping the attack, even if logically, you're not in any real danger. I couldn't help it, but nobody gives a damn.

And now, I don't know how to explain my OCD issues or where to begin, and what my rights are in terms of OCD, with the apartment (see my post, "Mentally Disabled Persons and Apartments"), and I'm scared. Because people don't understand. No, I don't have the right to keep the place messy--and I don't want to--but I don't live alone, so I don't control everything myself, and so I need my boyfriend to do his part. I feel alone, helpless, and like someone's going to force me to do something I can't deal with.

People think we're making up these illnesses. How many of us have lost out on so much of our dreams and just living normally, because of our illnesses? Yeah, we're making it up, because we're lazy and don't have any ambition. I want my dreams and feel so angry and embittered because I don't have them, and probably never will.

If I were normal, I'd probably have a house by now. And the ironic thing is, if I had my own home, I wouldn't have to worry about someone coming in and forcing me into things I can't handle.