I understand what you are feeling, I've been there. I used to cut myself almost every day, it was the only way that I felt alive. It calmed me down, made me feel better (temporarily). Eventually I was admitted to the hospital, and it helped. I still struggle, some days all I want to do is to cut, but I'm lucky enough to have the strength not to. Also, I too struggle with suicidal feelings, almost every day. I know how hard it is when you're suffering so terribly. My doctor suggested writing all my feelings in a journal when I needed to vent, and it actually does help a little. I hope that you can find some peace talking to the people on this site. I know it has helped me, just knowing that people here really, honestly understand. Please stay strong, and I hope you start to feel better soon