@ Siempre (which is an awesome name by the way, I lived in mexico for a while and...well...its just an awesome name) I really feel that the underlying message is that I hate myself for decisions that I have made in the past and I'm starting to come to terms with them. Never have I really tried to move past certain negative emotions, but now, since I'm almost on week 9 of recovery from this darn eating disorder, I feel like I can actually have emotions beside food fears and such.

Yesterday was incredibly difficult, thanksgiving has been nothing but bad memories for me my entire life. There was maybe two or three pleasant ones in my 27 years on this earth, and yesterday I couldn't hold back the tears. It was a feeling of "why me?" in regards to everything really. I had to take the dog out just so that I could cry my heart out, but knowing, deep inside, I wasn't going to solve anything and I couldn't turn to anyone. I couldn't turn to my boyfriend, I couldn't turn to his family, I had no family of my own...I had nobody. I feel so alone, and scared really.

Times like this, I really want to slip into the anorexia abyss that consumed my life for so long. At least when I was really sick I didn't have any feelings.