Thank you EVERYONE so much, this has been VERY healing for me, even though I haven't told anyone, face to face, not sure might take a while getting there but I will keep trying. I can't even read the word back in your messages back to me without feeling absolutelY DISGUSTING. DISGUSTED. Jamming out the angriest songs I can find lol and gathered up fire wood for a soothing fireplace fire tonight, so healing to me.