I am really trying to be careful with what comes thru, since so much can trigger others..but I am having to cope with something that occured when I was 20, and ended up in shock at hospital..alot has do with this hostage incident, where I was emotionally and psychologically tortured by an escaped criminal. I wont go into it any further to much graphics..but there was shootings involved..my mind shut down afterwards, and I went mute and could not do ADL stuff, and was being taken care of in a hospital until I came around, I never sought treatment for its after effects..just kinda buried it, along with the rest of the gunk... When we started to work on anger Friday..I crashed the flashbacks and PTSD symptoms hurt so bad..I could not take what was coming thru.stll having problems..but I am working thru and taking ativan to help calm me down..just dont want to go back into the hospital as I process this..so trying to be careful..I keep diping back into it..I will post if I am not going to be around for awhile so my friends here wont worry...thank you all for your kindness..

The one thing that has helped me is that i have decided since allot of what happened afterwards is missing, I have asked the County Police department for help, and they are researching and providing me help..since it involved a shooting of a police officer too..they are being very supportive..and the hospital I was at is looking for records too..It just feels like I am taking something back..because I have no memory of anything after the incident, except waking up in the hospital screaming...maybe a few images but like I am in a dream..

Thank you all again for your support..this is what I am suppse to be writing about. to help work it thru..but I really dont know if I can do it..