((((Reuben))))

It is very understandable to hear what your describing, any victim that is here supporting you is very familiar with what your feeling, even your feelings of guilt, and not wanting to talk about the abuse any further.

But lets talk about the human brain for a minute. The night mares that your having come from your brain trying to find a place to file these disturbing memories. All brains process information at night, all the information that we take in during the day and often that comes out in dreams. Sometimes dreams can come together as a combination of different images that we take in during the day even during a couple of days. We have strange dreams that can combine a strange commercial in with at movie or a family member making a comment along with other memories from our past. But as strange as some dreams are, our brain is just filing these images away and can often put them together.

When we go through tramatic experiences and we are frightened by them and even if we talk about some of it but not all of it, the brain doesn't really know where to put these tramas. And tramas have a lot to them and if we are unsettled by these tramas the brain will remind us in our sleep of "Oh, that was scary, bad and threatening, are we safe now?" or " Is there closure is the problem really solved or are we not allowing this problem to be solved so we can feel safe again?". And our brains are designed to do that because that is how we are designed to survive, our brains are designed to warn us of danger and find ways to help us find safety.

Because you wont talk about what happened, what tramatized you, your brain keeps asking where to put this information, where it can rest so that you know your going to be safe, and survive. And you have only told part of the trama and you cannot fool your brain, your brain already knows there was more trama, more danger than you have openly talked about.

The other way we are designed to do is group together and we do that in our family unit.
That is our natural way of thriving. So when something bad happens and a family member that has a dominant position is a threat, it is very hard to break through the strong desire for the family group and allow it to be separated because a family member is dangerous. And that is especially difficult if only one member is put in immediate danger. So another reason why the nightmares are there is to remind you that even though the family unit was thriving in a way, someone was dangerous and you were the one in immediate danger. And that danger could spread to other family members. YOUR BRAIN IS DOING IT'S JOB RUBEN.

Many, many victims stay silent ( children, wifes and even husbands) because they are the only one in immediate danger and they also have to consider the survival of the family unit. And that is why many women stay in marriages that are abusive, they are thinking of survial needs, housing, food, necessities etc. And there is also the element that always takes place where an abuser takes control, frightens whomever is abused into thinking they are trapped and overpowered. So, many victims do NOT speak up or are constantly looking to either escape by pretending the abuse is not so bad or that they might be blamed or even not believed if they speak up.

I know that you don't want to talk about all the abuse, no one does, no one wants to say how bad it really was, especially if something sexual is involved. But your brain is asking you to take care of this, so your brain knows it will be resolved and can finally say, yes, it was all wrong and now it is out and is going to be addressed and resolved.

You have to make sure that the abuser doesn't come near your family unit again. For someone that has been abused it is very hard to do that because you truely were in danger and were overpowered. So by talking about it, and I honestly know how hard it is, it will give the trama away to the one who deserves to be held responsible. It will allow the trama to be address in you with people who are trained in helping you come to the point where you can allow your brain to file it properly and rest. And that does take time, but your brain can't just shove it somewhere and pretend it didn't happen. Your brain needs to know that it can let out the whole experience and find safety and learn how to file that experience.

Is it hard? Yes it is hard to talk about things like this that happen. But I will tell you Rueben, be thankful that other victims have been brave, have talked about and enough victims have come forward so that there is now help for them to learn how to overcome it and get better. You cannot hold on to this yourself, it is not your fault that your father did these bad things, and your father also needs to understand why he did these things.
And as I said before, it is usually because the abuser was abused himself and never told and it just turned into an unresolved trama that became full of anger as he grew and matured.

The truth is the only thing that will set you free Reuben. It is what sets everyone free, not only you and your family but for others who are trapped, afraid and wont speak either. And as dangerous as your father is now, the truth is the only thing that will set him free as well. He has something he is hiding himself that is very deep and full of anger and abuse.

Just think about this Rueben. I know it is hard, but it isn't you that is tearing your family apart, it is your father and his dangerous actions. It doesn't matter that he was punishing you or if you misbehaved, his punishment was too abusive, it was never right, it was truely wrong. And you know it because you wanted to make sure the brother you loved didn't go through it if something happened to you. And those nightmare could have been his too.

Open Eyes