I hate the way the abuse has f*cked up my life. No matter how much I work on it, it just screws it up more and it feels like I'm never going to be free of it. That it is going to hang over me forever and no one is ever going to love me. Every holiday just brings up the pain again. Reminds me that I have no one IRL who loves me. For some reason I think that it will be better with the next round of holidays but it never is. It just reminds me of how alone I feel. No wonder I get depressed around the holidays. FML.