I've almost gone the whole year without SI... it was my goal, still is... to go the whole year SI free. the reward is a tattoo, i got the first part of the tattoo done at the 1/2 way point. now its just weeks until the end of the year and i get the tattoo finished up with the word "survivor" on my arm. maybe some birds flying, not sure yet.

however... i thought it would get easier by now. i still get such strong urges, especially tonight. I have these intense feelings like I am going to SI and it makes me feel afraid... i just feel like giving in and being like well, it'll never go away so might as well just give in cause it'll always be stuck with me... i think about this every day... i don't obsess about it that much but it is on my mind at least once a day, and usually at night, the urge gets so intense i am fearful I will give in one of these days

I was reluctant to take my meds and go to bed, because my new med is one you dissolve under the tongue and it tastes horrible yet you cannot drink for 10 minutes so you are stuck with the taste the whole time, and it numbs your tongue some. it works so well, but taking it kinda sucks. but now, somehow i have lost track of time and it is 4:30am! I had been doing so well with sleeping at night and being awake during the day, and now I have messed up. makes me so depressed I want to give in to SI. i hate this med, but it works so well, i don't want to get off it, cause it helped me lower my hypomania and is the first med in a LONG time to ever help me sleep. so i feel like id go crazy without it... but damn, i don't want it in my mouth.

sigh.. just do not know what I'm going to do...