*Triggering*
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, so please move it if it should be some place else.

I need to vent and I appreciate upfront anyone listening.

Every Thanksgiving and various times throughout the year I go to to the soup kitchen to help and serve meals. I enjoy doing it and it has become a comfortable place now. This year however, a man became belligerent that he was not given more food. I sympathized with this but there is a strict policy about the amounts given as there is only so much food available, so a supervisor was called over to talk with him. Several of us in the meantime tried to calm him down until the supervisor arrived, but it escalated. Warning bells went off for me so I started to move back, but not quickly enough. He then snapped, and came across the serving table at us. What I couldn't expect was that the man next to me actually tried to hide behind me, using me as a shield. I could not get out of his grasp. I thought he was trying to pull me away, but quickly realized he was pushing me in front of the belligerent man. I finally got free, but the bruises and more so the emotional impact are overwhelming me as the incident is one thing, but triggering the past is another. Happy Thanksgiving, right?!

I was assaulted and raped by a coworker when I was a teenager. There has been more therapy and work than I can account for over the years. This incident has started the sleeping nightmares and daytime what I call 'deja vu' incidents all over again. I have not been able to leave the house without panic attacks when I see people, and the slightest, little things are setting me off. I feel out of control and so powerless with the images, and the things that keep happening. I know logically the majority of people do not attack but despite the logic, the panic sets in. Besides being overwhelmed and scared all the time now, I am angry too. I don't like living this way. I feel physically and emotionally so weak for not being able to defend myself and to cope with this as it has leveled me back to square one. It does not help that I am still not up to par with this vitamin B12 deficiency thing, mimicking depression and fatigue; even still, by now and all this therapy, why can't I cope better with this after all this time? I hate this situation, the PTSD, and in having a hard time finding the courage to even put one foot in front of the other to begin again. Yet the thought of continuing to live like this, dealing with the memories and letting these people get to me, strikes a nasty chord as well.

Meanwhile, I have an appointment to start back to therapy this week. I made a promise to myself to get there come hell or high water.

I appreciate just being able to vent as also at this point I don't know how I am going to handle this. I guess that's what therapy is for. Thanks for listening.