((((googley))))

Thank you for posting. I do validate how you feel and I understand what you are saying. Every holiday I too say this one will be different but somehow those feelings and emotions come back often stronger almost as if they are fighting against the very thing wanted. Every year I find us asking all over and wondering all over if anyone loves us or even ever really could.

You have worked so hard googley, do not take that away or allow the past to rob you of that. Abuse does something to a person and it seems to loom around even when we try hard to change all that we knew and to move forward. It puts questions back where we started to find an answer too all over again. For us it can hit us without notice and engulf us.

We try to hold onto someone's words of I love you but because it was engrained within that fear of love itelf, it is hard to understand how anyone could or if we really want to take the chance of love. Maybe it is because we cannot seem to love ourselves the love of others does not make sense. And we learned not to love ourselves or trust ourselves through the abuse and lies that were constantly told to us.

Even at times we try to at least like ourselves because love just does not make sense. Love became that okay to abuse or to trick us into the belief for so long that we were cared for but then it hurt and somewhere got all mixed up to us because for so long love =it is okay because=hurt=abuse=I love you now=you are safe now?

Somehow we are always waiting for that hurt if someone says that they love us, even today. Because that is what love was then and for so long----how does love change? I think we are always waiting for the other shoe to fall because it always did fall somewhere----somehow. For us if someone loves us then what is it we have to do to have that? Is that price something we can chance? Is the risk to find out worth the pain we knew or turned within away from?

Can we even trust ourselves or anyone else that it is truly safe now? And how do we know? We knew no better than to trust then even in the hurt because that is all we knew. Those questions come over and over. How do we know trust is safe, trust enough to even hear those words? Was it trust that first hurt us? Or was it our need to be loved as any child or person needs? Do we push away that very thing now from that fear yet needing it so much that even safe love becomes questioned or even lost? We reach only so far before something within pulls us back, snaps almost as a rubberband.

I do get how you feel googley, but you are not unlovable. I know if we never risk we will never know. Easier said than done, I know. I cannot write anymore right now as this is hitting hard. But please know that I do care and love you ((((googley)))). I do not know if any of this makes sense but I am listening and I do understand what you are saying or at least to the best I can with what we know. My heart goes out to you my friend, and you are not alone. Please hold onto that.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps