i totally get how your feeling. i too was abused and it's a life journey of healing.
i don't want to step over boundaries, but it sounds like your frustrated too. like no one understands you.
for me part of healing was stop making others who never been abused understand what i went thru. for example, my hubby. he had a normal childhood, so when i explained what kind of childhood i had, he didn't respond the way i wanted him to respond. which triggered me to feel betrayed and alone again. understanding is the key for me.
some of the things i've been doing, i lean on my faith, i don't blame myself anymore, read books, write my thoughts out, the big one was 7 years ago i had a talk with my mother for not protecting me.
i am still a work in progress.
don't be so hard on yourself, take each day at a time.
(((hugs)))