I'm feeling horrible.

Okay, I know that's not much to go on. If I got into specifics, I'd be here all night and a) no one wants to read a novel about Why Misskeena Is Sad and b) I have to take a nap before work. Let's just say that things don't work out the way that I envision them or the way that they should. Pretty much ever, for me, and I'm not just saying that. I tell you, and this isn't just me wallowing in negativity, I think I may be one of the most unlucky people I know. This all has to do with long lost family (a father, stepmother, and 3 sisters) finding me (finding ME, not the other way around) and, well, deciding they didn't have much use for me (it really is that simple, I promise). I should also tell you that I was abandoned by my mother when I was 15. Just up and disappeared...I had no choice but to go to foster care.

I want to believe that I can rise above, and I usually succeed in getting past these things. I'm resilient. But it's getting very difficult lately. Being rejected by not one but two parents (and other relatives)? Really? Or how about being on THREE online dating sites for a year and having very few men contact me, only 4 actual dates, only one of which progressed to a second date--after which he decided he "didn't know what he wanted after all." (Turns out I was too fat. I'm 5'10" and a size 16. I'm not THAT big.) I haven't had close friends or, really, friends in 10 years. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in 6.

I'm sure that I'm the common denominator here but tons of therapy hasn't shown me exactly why. And I don't know if I'm really asking why. I'm just on here because I feel awful. I feel like screaming, crying, tearing my hair out. I want someone to hold onto me, to make me soup and tell me I'll be okay and that they love me. But there isn't anyone like that. I feel trapped. I feel like there's nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to go to work like this. I don't want people to see me like this.