I'm literally at a loss for words (and i'm usually full of it) i'm just SO sorry that you've been through such hell. I imagine being abandoned (yeah i got issues,thats what brought me here LOL) and it FREAKS me out BIG TIME. I can't begin to imagine what you've been through. And let me just say this ( hehe i think the words are finding me n0w) i have a daughter, she's nearly 8, i would NEVER do what your mom did, not under ANY circumstances, so NEVER EVER think or feel that you were the reason she left, she didn't deserve you. I look at myself and i look at my daughter and i thing God PLEASE don't let my mental gunk rub off on her (bipolar,ocd and borderline just for fun) and now reading your post, i'm thinking, if my daughter's got even half of your charactrer and strength, i aint got nothing to worry about! You are an AMAZING, SPECIAL, STRONG individual, i don't EVER want you to doubt that. You have us now, your PC family, and i don't want you to ever feel alone again! And when your strength and resilience seems to be fading... Remember that you are WORTH the effort. Lots of love and hugs to you, wish i could offer you that nice bowl of soup and a chat. XOXO