phyllis,

It is a hard place to be in when our Mother who is supposed to be our care person ends up in the child position with us having to do all the caring for them.

It is sad that she reacted to the divorce the way she did......but maybe your father knew something that you didn't & that may be why he left. The one thing I have learned over my 53 years of life is that all of our choices & everything we do has it's consequences in the long run. Her choice to turn to drinking & drugs was a poor choice. It sounds like she is deep into her addiction & at this point, getting out of her addiction is something that she has to want to quit before she will every be successful at getting help & having any kind of relationship with anyone.

It isn't up to you to fix her....You can't!!!.....If it were me, I would have just enough contact to know if she ever puts in the effort to change her life....not just saying that she will. Then & only then would I let her back into any part of my life, & I would only let her in a little part at a time.

You have a successful marriage.....I wouldn't let anyone, not even my Mother, be in a position to have any negative effect on a successful marriage. It is important for you to protect the life you have.

I know that it is easy to get trapped into feeling sorry for someone like that....especially family, but it was her selfish choice to end up like she did.....& change won't happen if she doesn't want it to. Not being familiar with the UK systems for treating people with those problems, it is hard to suggest any treatment options, but on the family front....it is important for you not to feel any guilt for or responsible for where your mother is. You didn't make her choices for her....she did.

I have realized over my life time that people are not entitled to anything more than what they are willing to give. This may be selfish thinking, but I have found that it protects me from feeling guilty most of the time. It sounds like she is getting worse & not better....& I am hoping that her mother (your nan) won't cave into her pressures of trying to make them feel guilty for not being nice to her. It is sad when people expect others to be nice to them when they aren't nice to others.

Take care of yourself & your family & leave the caring for your mother to the point where she is entitled to it. I know this sounds tough... & tough love is hard to implement....but is usually necessary to protect your future life.

Debbie