OK. Last week we dealt with a very significant issue (to me) that happened when I was 17. T got me to describe it as if I was there and experiencing it. Present tense. It led to quite a rocky week as the emotions got all stirred up. During the week I was very aware of Shula (17 yr old) wanting to talk - not to me but to T. She wouldn't write and kept on pestering me about the things she wanted to say. So I was quite nervous about it - none of my insiders have come out with T before though we have talked about them, and I did dissociate at the end of the previous session.
Shula did put in an appearance, and before we got very far into the session. It was a very odd feeling - like being there but not being in any control and not being really aware. Odd and hard to describe. T picked up what was going on and brought me back by saying my name. We discussed what had happened and tried to identify why, in terms of triggers. we had been discussing the previous week's session and how I felt. The session continued, but I slipped out and shula slipped in more than once, and I found it really hard to keep in the here and now. I found it (still do) really upsetting to feel so out of control. T & I talked about the reasons for it. It happens much more often when I am under stress (as I had been, both through the previous session and through a very difficult staff meeting at the start of term the previous day. T suggested that the previous week had "blurred the boundaries" making it more likely. I realised that I can keep in touch with the present much more by focusing on something which is moving or changing rather than a blank wall. Worryingly, my "grounding stone" didn't really seem to work.
It scared me. I haven't had that floating in and out feeling before, nor so clear a sense of being in a different time and place. When T asked me questions to try to help me to ground myself (where I was, what the date was, how old I was) I really had to struggle for some of the answers. It all feels so weird and I am scared.